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BOSS: Do you understand? ME: Yeah... BOSS: *Walks away* ME: What did she just say? 
“I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..
If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety
Sex is awesome as long as you don't accidenatlly catch or create anything.
I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"
I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal
You'd think at some point, one of Antonio Banderas's friends would have bought him a hair dryer as a gift. I mean, they're only like $25.
It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 3days because she hates when I interupt her!
People are so excited about the 100m Olympic times, but Jason Voorhees could beat all those clowns just walking.
swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.
Ladies, He's not looking at p0rn because he's bored with you. He's been dating his hands his whole life, and that's who's getting boring.
Now I see why the Jamacia's flag is Green,yellow and black.. It's the color bananas go........
Today at the supermarket I expressed my displeasure at the price of milk via the medium of dance.
Handball - A sport for countries that suck at basketball and soccer
I'd rather sink in my ephemeral dreams than float in your eternally absurd reality.
That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......
If Facebook were an Olympic sport i'd be on the cover of a Wheatie's box.
When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.
Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson! 