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When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek 
I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys
I'm not saying your wife is fat but her best side is cole slaw.
Ladies don't worry, she will never be you...and when he realizes this, don't take him back because he probably has herpes.
I am about to drop some dark matter in the camode.
Only thing good about "good morning" is the breakfast tacos
There's someone out there for everyone. (The motto of hideous people the world over.)
just dipped a banana into a jar of natural peanut butter and the end broke off and sank to the bottom. ...just in case anyone wants to get me a new jar of peanut butter ...or some meds ...or a life.
If I ever fall onto the bar stool next to you and give you an exaggerated wink and a Fat Albert "Hey hey hey!", rest assured you got hit on.
Companies and money-hungry capitalists are ruining Facebook with their advertising and snooping.
Kim Jong Un should fire whoever came up with this years North Korea tourism advertising idea.
This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it
The days of good grammar has went by from now on
Magic Mike is truly magical... its the first time my woman has come home without having a "Headache"...
I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.
Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.
The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.
Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship 