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I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone. 
Got a dashcam, so am all set for the next meteorite.
my buddy asked to borrow my phone. I gave it to him and said "check out that ball scratcher app I downloaded!"
Which Pope was your favorite going into the combine? ESPN said the Cardinal from Canada runs the 440 in 52.47 seconds and that's with full vestments and a sex abuse scandal dogging him!
thank good ness this pope s hit came along. We were just getting sick of all the obama jokes...
My papal name would be 'Pope Daddy I".
CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.
Justin Bieber's hamster died. He'd had it for two months. The only hamster to truly know the meaning of Rest In Peace
there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again
90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.
I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!
Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.
Lil Wayne.... Yeah.... Gonna miss ya. Too bad you can't take Bieber with you. Drugs are bad.... Mmmmkay.
Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
When you are talking to yourself, if you are polite about it, people won't think you're crazy.
If you’re depressed and hate your life just remember you’re not alone. We all hate your life too.
What I lack in sleep, I make up for in blank stares.
Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.
Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating. 