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people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long 
The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.
Obama must be out of his Vulcan mind using the term "Jedi mild meld." Who doesn't know the difference between the Vulcan mind meld and Jedi mind trick?
i used to live in a place where the walls were so thin that when my neighbors peeled onions I was crying next door.
*Showering together* Girl: "Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)" Guy: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*
Boy nothing says band wagon than Harlem Shake.
Sex with my girlfriend is like the fast and furious I'm fast and she is furious.
A friend said she was going to wash the gray right out of her hair. I said, "I wish I could do that, these days I pretty much just wash the hair out of my hair".
According to Nostradamus Prophecies, Politicians can resist a Nuclear Winter, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a direct Meteor Impact, the Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons. But not a Sequester!
Breaking News.... Jane Fonda and Dennis Rodman have been selected to act as Hugo Chavez's pall bearers at his funeral
In some countries, DEATH is nature’s way of limiting presidential terms in office. You wanted to be a president for life, and now your wish is granted Mr Chavez.
Some say Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.
By the time I manage to actually say my safe word, only dogs can hear it.
Anyone else think instagram will change its business model and become the cocaine delivery service we all first thought it was?
I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.
Woke up this morning from a dream I was flying. Late to work kind of wished that whole flying thing was true
.irls Stop editing ya'll pics. what if you go missing? How you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook but you look like a shrek in person.
The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.
You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."
Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list. 