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It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested. 
Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.
You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.
If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.
Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.
People who never had suicidal thoughts probably never touched a wet bathroom door knob.
Whenever I hear "let us pray" My mind automatically adds "on the weak minded and gullible"
Am I the only one in Crocks?
Tell her she's Beautiful ...because Hot is a just a temperature
Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.
I often worry that mankind is going to start world war III solely because we enjoy trilogies
Saying “dude” before you say something important.
Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?
Dear Department Store Bathroom Cleaner: Please use less WAX. When I go to the bathroom I am really not in the mood for doing the splits......
I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing
if I was a bird... I know who'd I poop on 