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I taught myself how to ride a bike... I hope you had better parents. 
Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.
“B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.
What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.
Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.
A blind man walked into a bar. And into a chair...and into a table...and into a wall...
I think the book "Charlottes Web" would've been a better book if Charlotte was evil and out to get Wilber. Instead of writing "some pig" she should've wrote "Links or Patties". And yelled "Ill get you pig!" As she crawled away
You never really notice how many dogs bark on TV until you have a dog that barks back.
So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.
I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!
Whenever I think I've come up with something very twisted, and I'm a horrible person for it, I simply remember that some nut in South America named the largest body of water there Lake Titicaca.
Are the hookers giving you the policeman's discount?
-= REDs got to host an Olympic game, then all of a sudden they're the USSR again.... Let's pray Germany doesn't host the next one. =-
Some girls should drink alone so they don’t get pregnant, again.
Until you actually do go after all religions equally, spare me the hipper than thou crap.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds 