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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong. 
I'm glad soccer is not a sport screwed up with wearing loads of pads, big bellies, giving injuries to other opponents by brute force, run for one second and call themselves talented.
You actually have friends? "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"
Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.
MONDAYS ARE LIKE THAT UNCLE THAT USED TO HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE...he was laughing but we never were...
Doing stuff is the root of all evil.
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.
Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake
A car full of sluts is called a fish tank
Sex so good she didn't even wake up.
I can't wait to meet that special someone who I will eventually stop having sex with.
Every once in a while you come across a tweet that makes you stop and wonder, if monkeys now also have tweeter accounts.
Guys that try to pickup women on FaceBook are pathetic. Ladies if you agree DM me your number so we can talk about it...
Every time I think I'm ready for a serious relationship again, I just remember that I like having sex
Back in the 60's the pot called the kettle a different word.
The Pope has excommunicated the Mafia? When will the internal struggles end within the Roman church. Can't they all just get along like the one big family that they are?
I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?
in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!
Chicken Omelette - a vendetta against the chicken race! Usually when a contract chicken killer who has it in for the chicken, to not only take out a hen's eggs, but to stuff it with chicken! 2 generations of chicken dead!
You know when a friend says, "I thought of you the other day." And then smile so it looks like their whole face is smiling...I like that. I like that a lot. 