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If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus. 
If you sweat when you eat, does it count as exercise?
I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.
The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke
A lot of people will disappoint you in life. Don't let any of them be you.
Twinkee's are coming back... There is a God.
My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....
No pants are the best pants.
I'm not arrogant... I'm optimistic ... I truly believe everyone will come around to my way of thinking
The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.
Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.
I thought I seen a flying mattress going down the road, but then realized it was strapped to a smart car.
A "wifey type" has nothing to do with rolling blunts/cooking.. It's more like a woman that takes care of you, loves you & stands by ur side
Valentine's Day is the day that the “V” and “D” come together ...
Since they can't seem to find any fragments from the meteor, anybody else thinking it was Wonder woman drinking and driving again?
I know let's come out with some kind of fish product to mask the fact we've been serving horse-every fast food joint
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
If your middle name is Lee, you probaby have an arrest record.
what if I just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in my mouth
If you’re gonna use the word ‘horny’, you’d better be attractive. Otherwise, cut that s hit out. 