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Paradox: When you get two pairs of Doc Martin shoes for your birthday. 
n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar
Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️
Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.
I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock
people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"
It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.
Some things just don't go together, like drinking and driving or pissing and sneezing!!
This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.
keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation
Am I the only one who reads my spam email and after reading the subject line of one that says, "we have unclaimed funds got you", mutters, "yeah, sure you do."? 