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We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January 
I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?
I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?
If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]
Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.
Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...
A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92
Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.
I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.
to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.
A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.
Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.
If your blow up doll develops a runny nose, she is not COVID positive; she's full.
I broke up with my girlfriend. She has leprosy and I got tired of picking up after her.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this 