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Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door 
In the new woke version, The Terminator is a woman. Her line is, "I should be back but I don't know, I'll see how my day goes."
Kinda odd that Bill Clinton screwed everything but wont do Hillary.
Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.
Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.
Last night I awoke to a warm gentle rain on my face........and then I realized I was sleeping on the bottom bunk......................
"If you can dream it, you can do it." Walt Disney
MAN! Are they EVER going to catch that Phil Dirt guy? I've been seeing wanted signs for him for YEARS.
Groundhog just slid a note under the door that read 6 more months winter. Don't worry I've got my shotgun and I'm asking him again.
I have come to the conclusion that my adult life was contrived by a stoned teenager.
Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday
Don't be too proud of what you have now. Be proud of what you had to do to get it.
here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.
Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.
"Mounted in Alaska" ... Prolly coulda come up with a better name for that show.
I laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
When Johnny Walker does his taxes, he puts me as a dependant...
My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated
Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.
needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already' 