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Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured. 
He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!
I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.
HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD….
Well, it's not actually a manual.
It's only 3 sentences….
The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.
Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?
Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.
Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.
[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?
Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.
Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.
True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.
Instead of voter fraud, why don't they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
This appears to be the year of the upset!
How much of your pants are you allowed to fold up before you're mistaken for a fisherman?
The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological ..... One is Psycho and the other is Logical!
Black Friday used to only be Robinson Crusoe's pal!
All I'm saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head. 