Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
"The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs." 
Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you.
I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.
The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks
Pro Tip: Apply common sense for best results.
raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine
Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.
if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep
Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities
Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.
There are days when I just want to hear her voice. Then I remember what a nut job psycho she was...
From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.
Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!
Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”
But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.
Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!
I'm so old I remember when the UPS guy used to throw package on my porch and run away for no reason.
My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea. 