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Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do? 
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords
If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.
That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.
"i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.
When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...
Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?
I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.
Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
Day 4 without net neutrality: the kids found a half eaten raccoon we can eat. Grandma is wandering the streets looking for Candy Crush lives. We’re burning furniture to stay warm.
I take my irresponsibilities seriously. 