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I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere. 
If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.
.I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.
Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.
A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?
We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.
I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...
This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.
No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers! 