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Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong." 
I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"
Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.
How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?
Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.
I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.
That TP logo from the campaign seems appropriate now, given all the B S leaking out of this administration.
Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.
Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.
Respect must be earned, even when you are a fat, rich white guy with an important job.
Marla Maples is in favor or border security. She lost her job to an immigrant too.
Meanwhile, in hell, the Devil is all like ... "What have I done?"
Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.
Melania and Kellyanne look like someone took two attractive models, and then smooshed their faces around until they didn't quite look right.
Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women. 