Funny Status Messages

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.