Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...