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Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9. 
Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.
I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?
DUI of the Tiger
rubix cube: the original fidget toy
I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.
The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .
Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.
There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.
My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers. 