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Someone should tell all the police officers, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the *real* heroes are gays that go public. 
Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!!
Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.
Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort
Steve Miller.. "Some call me the gangster of love"..... Steve Miller`so band... "Ummm, yeah,,, Nobody calls him that"....
I don't want to seem like a snob,,, but I was the only one to not use a coupon for our Mothers day lunch..
From a purely ironical perspective,,, He's going to actually walk onto 5th Ave and shoot somebody before this actually ends,,, right?
Q. Whats the mating call of a Blackbird? A. Stick it in me Leroy!
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.
In order to reconnect with my conspiracy theory family, ,, I've joined 20 "flat-earth" groups on Facebook
I'm beginning to think the Romans were lucky,,,,, At least Nero could play an instrument. .
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..
I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.
I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers. 