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Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side. 
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.
Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...
When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back
pot a gateway drug? Not everyone who smokes pot ends up doing heroin, but everyone who does heroin started off with smoking pot!
This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I hope the police take the Orange Man's advice and rough him up when he is finally arrested for being a Russian Spy.
The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.
Ian Hart wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell
I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.
If I was out there on a boat or scuba diving, It'd be "shart week" for me
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia. 