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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets] 
GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths
"Transparency" under current administration = getting caught
Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.
Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities
Today this hot girl said "enjoy your pizza" and I replied "you too" now I can't go back there
Looks like the Apple doesn't fall far from the immature tree.
Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.
If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.
My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.
Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?
"Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.
Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.
hy do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There's like 10 women to each man and they're already there looking for things they don't need.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore. 