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I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy. 
Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.
I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
.....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."
What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?
Whole Foods should change their name to Whole Paycheck...
We're gonna rebuild that wall and the Night King will pay for it.
Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.
The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.
During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.
You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.
when I was in school I was so bad at math,i failed like eleventeen times!
The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.
My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.
. Have you heard the saying the truth will set you free? I told the judge the truth and got three years.
. I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.
Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. 