Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"

   Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.