lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   ..is like a stamp: first class and lickable.

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.