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People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before. 
In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.
I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?
Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?
If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison
Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year
My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.
I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.
I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.
Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.
My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right
After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts. 