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Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers? 
I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone
Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.
If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.
4 20
She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."
Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.
Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?
Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast. 