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I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know.... 
I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??
Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.
I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Bruce Jenner must be so confused today
remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.
My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.
"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica
Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!
"Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.
When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.
Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.
My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in 