Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   I do because I can. I will because I am able. I give because I've been given. Just a few reasons I love to 69. ;)

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|