Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.

   I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.