Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.