eaglet1122 Funny Status Messages

   My dentist is smoking hot! I always ask for the lead vest, even though I don't need an X-Ray!

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.

   What makes me so funny? My strict diet of sunshine and unicorn meat!

   OK, I just throughly cleaned out my truck from being on the road for 2 months working. What did I learn: 1) I should lay off the dollar menu 2) If TV series Hoarders, did a car edition they would ask me to star and 3) I am now getting 7 mpg more with all

   Word of advice, Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   #1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!

   #1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates!

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   I had a serious talk with my crew supervisor today, because nobody showed up for work. I told him we needed to let ONE go not JUAN...

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   I like my ice at room temperature.

   Stevie Wonder's Twitter update was hilarious. it said," ahdshewsd€yts".

   I want to be a comedian so bad but I am afraid they will all laugh at me!