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Three things I'm grateful for, 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Caller ID to advoid family and friends. 
My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?
Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters
Gas is $2.20 I dont know when the last time I pumped gas with no hands
I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.
Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
I believe in Santa! but I'm not so sure if he believes in me?
"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
I have a moral compass, but it always seems to point south.
Alexa, clean up my act!
My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!
Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.
Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.
Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.
So how did Amish.com happen?
Some girl just asked me out, well she actually told me to get out of my store, but I know what she really meant
I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?
"Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.
Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now
"did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober" 