Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.