Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"