Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2