SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   "Nonexistent" is my new favorite word. It describes so many things about my life!

   Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been 6 hours since my last tweet, and in that time I had thoughts I didn't share.

   If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time.

   There's a good chance that any empty can you see rolling along the sidewalk is just Patrick Swayze's ghost learning how to move objects.

   I don't deal well with good-byes. I'm better with good-riddances.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   My Native American name would be "Tweets While Driving".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   Nobody likes coming to this gas station anymore because of all the stabbings, but those hardly ever happen before 5pm.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.