Funny Status Messages

   I don't always drink beer but when I do, I play good beer pong

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,why are they still working??

   not many people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was FrankEinstein

   Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Winnie has an eating disorder. Piglet suffers from anxiety.Eeyore has major depression. Tigger has ADHD.Rabbit has OCD. & Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...

   PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)

   If you think I'm crazy now, try me either WITH alcohol or WITHOUT sedatives

   Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!

   Where does steel wool come from?

   Girl texts you: What ya doing? You reply: Playing Xbox.. Err I mean lifting weights. Yeah lifting weights.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?

   Finally ALLOWED to use the computer. My dog has been on assbook all morning.