BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.