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Friends with benefits = awesome! Uncles with benefits = creepy! 
Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?
every fight is a food fight.......when your a cannibal.
Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck
my mixes are tighter than your skinny jeans kid.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper
If it's free, it's advice; If you pay for it, it's counseling; If you can use either one, it's a miracle !
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
I found out it was really hot outside by actually venturing out there. WTF Facebook? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.
'Glee' actually isn't half bad. It's 3/4 bad.
Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation, do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
The SCHOOL part of school sucks. I just like the social part.
He's actually dyslexic. He is trying to say 'His Pen is so big'
msg me if your up for cleaning my apartment. I pay in Oreo's btw.. :D (can't guarantee the cream wont be licked off)
I just went through the "10 items or less" line with 12 items...THUG LIFE
Your boyfriend is such a playa, when he sends you a text message on your phone it goes to the ''games'' folder.
Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980
If you see a dude at the park with a case of beer, making homeless people dance for a can, come over and shake my hand.
Its apparently rude to make "whoosh" sounds when an asian person hands you something. You would think they would appreciate the ninja sound effects.
If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.
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