Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I'm using Facebook mobile I always tag myself in my bed with 2 randcom chicks on my friends list.

   I met with my new girlfriends father for the first time yesterday. The first thing I said to him was, "Sir, you and me have something in common.." "What's that son?" I replied "Your daughter calls us both Daddy"

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   If gas gets any more expensive, I'll have to file for tankruptcy!

   The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!!

   I Fell In Love With You,You Fell In Love With Someone Else,I Pray To God Whoever you Fell In Love With Falls In Love With Somebody Else...........

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.....With a Hot Blonde and Winning Lottery Ticket!!.....DAMN!!! Didn't work again.....

   So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

   Ladies you should start a revolution like the bra burnings in the 60's only I say pantie burnings this time around.

   As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.

   Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you get your "I like to play dumb games" name.

   In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami.

   I don't need no fancy pants book learnin' to know that xenophobia is the fear of warrior princesses.

   I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.

   Some women are born to greatness, some have it thrust into them.

   Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.

   Last night was my first shift on our new neighborhood watch. Apparently I misunderstood the entire concept. What do first time offenders get on Peeping Tom charges?

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble

   Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels