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If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick. 
was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free
A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.
I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(
Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."
Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!
dear lady in the store yelling at your child, take a time out and comb the snakes in your hair, it is time for you to defeat the kraken
"Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.
wondering what part of "I can get your phone number off the bathroom wall if I wanted to call you" didn't she understand?
Does anyone else wonder why there are more male sword swallowers than female sword swallowers...
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!
What do Gas prices and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both are winning.
IM SO BAD. I BROKE 3 LAWS LESS THAN 35 SECONDS. I RAN A RED LIGHT, I WAS GOING 60 IN A 45, AND I SAID THE F WORD. #THUG LIFE
how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?
The last fight me and my wife had was whether Tommy Boy was an Awesome Movie or Super Awesome Movie!!!!!
Do you believe in magic? Yes? Want to go up to my room and make some?
To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.
The two most popular smells in the old west...gunsmoke and horse $hit!!!!!
never lied to you much when it really mattered.
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