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I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens. 
If a man calls you a doll, it doesn't always mean a barbie. Could be a Chucky.
Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to cover their mouth when coughing.
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.
A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.
Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.
What are Jared Kushner's qualifications? Screwing the boss' daughter.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.
At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist
this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home
87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.
I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6. 