Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My internet is so slow today that it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.

   My sister came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   I don't give a crap, But If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to

   Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. 40 people died

   You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   BOB THE BUILDER CAN WE FIX IT! Bob: ummm not right now I'm on facebook

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible

   Dealing with haters is all about mind over matter. I don't mind cuz you don't matter.

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

   Dear girls who take pictures in the bathroom, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you..sincerely.. Dont forget to tag me

   My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my a$$!

   would swim across the Ocean for some of my Facebook friends! Lol, just kidding. There are sharks in there!

   If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..