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wise beyond my beers. 
Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.
This weekend Skynet becomes self-aware and starts Judgement Day while Obama sleeps on the decision about turning it off. Meanwhile, the Terminator is running loose in California knocking-up anyone that gets in his way.
Dear Schwarzenegger, You were a 'Running man' from your 'True Lies',and your 'Predator' ways will have you spending your 'End of Days' with 'Junior'. Good thing it wasn't 'Twins'.(mood:first mistake was going 'Commando')
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.
At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed
Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out
Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.
thinking this whole rapture thing is going to create jobs.... And both democrats and republicans are going to try and take credit.
If you're a man and shave your legs I hope you're ok with being called a pre-op transsexual. P.S. I don't care if you enjoy swimming
Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.
thinking about handcuffing himself to Billy Graham for Saturday's rapture...
If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.
Well, at least we'll get to see the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie before the Rapture. Woulda been a shame to miss that one.
I hope that James Earl Jones will be narrating the rapture.....
You know when you watch children to much when you think news channel and punch in cartoon channel.
So Irish terrorists planted a pipe bomb in the luggage compartment of a bus. Thank heavens there was a last minute decision for her to travel around Ireland by limo.
Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that? 