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I'll never forget from my EX last words: "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?" 
How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?
Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.
My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.
Happy Fathers Day, mom!!! :D
No matter what you can do, no matter how talented you are, no matter how amazing and unique that talent may be, somewhere in the world an Asian kid can do it better.
Some smartphones are actually smarter than their owners.
Don't forget to thank the Moms too for putting up with the Fathers all along, cause without them their wouldn't be any Dads!!
I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks
Happy Father's Day, all! Be nice to your dad today. Remember it's because of him not pulling out in time that you're alive today!
Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!
• When dealing with women, puppy eyes will get you just about everything. Actual puppies will get you even more.
Let's not forget a Happy Father's day to all the Sugar Daddies out there.
@Guys - your nipples make no sense to us.
@Guys - If we just met you and we're making out on the dance floor, chances are it wasn't your dance moves that got you this lucky.
Happy father day to the men in our lives that have made a diffrence when we didnt have one to be there.., our uncles, brothers, grandfathers teachers bosses,step dads...you didnt have to be there, but we were all grateful you were.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*it before....;)
A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".
Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
Someone prank call me, I'm bored.
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