Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   Tequlia DOES make her clothes fall off! Okay, she passed out and somehow they "fell" off, but still.

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   Okay ladies, exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!