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Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.” 
Hasn't been a lot of UFO sightings lately which makes me wonder if everyone staring down at the phones has anything to do with that?
The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors.
1) How dense the population is.
2) How dense the population is.
Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...
Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn't Planned Parenthood called what it really is? Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.
As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"
Whatta ya mean I can't shop here? The wrong mask??? What??? -Batman
Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.
The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.
I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.
If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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