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Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills 
Apple currently has more money on their balance sheet than the Federal Government........
You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....
Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Gym Trainer 2 me : No pain no Gain So I kicked him in his nuts...n said "Now wonder what you gonna Gain from this Pain" :P
I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML
on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)
Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.
Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?
..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.
OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!
I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys
TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1
We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"
Some smartphone you turned out to be. You should have known better than to let me call my damn Ex.
You're really not as bad as people say. You're much, much worse.
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