Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If the government fails to raise the debt ceiling and stops paying their bills, I will stop paying mine, fair is fair

   You'll never guess what came in my mail todday. The mailman did :(

   Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!

   Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   If NASA Scientists are so smart, why the hell do they count backwards??

   my relationship status and my underwear situation are one in the same. (It's complicated)

   If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.

   Where's Waldo has created a generation of women who chase unavailable men.

   "Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

   No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

   What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   I LOVE my new x rated -GPS "Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes! Right there! Don't stop!!"

   One day my imaginary friend said to me: ''Do realize I am the real one and I am imagining you, right?''

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia

   They say that life's a dream… well call this insomnia

   4 words to ruin any meal: Fred and Ethel porn