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Had 12 girls banging on my bedroom door last night... I said, No matter how hard you bang I am not letting you out 
Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!
MLB looking into Illegal poker games at Oscar Madison's apartment. Felix Unger has no comment.
I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.
Dear God , whats your policy on heart replacements
here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.
If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason.
Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.
Those who say our generation is messed up forget who raised us
Here is a tip for you older people: Don't plank, people may think you're dead.
So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.
I'm a T-Rex, my arms are too small to wank so I'm always angry
honey, if you ate half the makeup you put on your face, you'd be pretty on the inside too ;)
our economy has Dow Syndrome
when life gives me lemons, I forget about them in the crisper until they rot. Same thing with apples, really. Nothing special about you, lemons.
"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." - Jason Jones
I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t. 