Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   I just thought of an airtight alibi, now I just have to come up with a worthy crime...

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down and use a lubricant

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   ...that uncomfortable moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   my girlfriend said I could tie her up and do anything I wanted. So I tied her to the bed face down, and went fishing.

   I always respond by saying "wet" when people ask me how the water is.

   The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.

   Dear Facebook, I am not interested to see who has been viewing my profile but I would be very much interested if you can develop a "Punch people who tag me in photos I am not even featured without my permission" Application.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?